Busy Busy, Good and Bad

As we have come to the realization that our infertility requires a little more aggression than we thought, we have been really busy and in many ways overwhelmed. I had 4 friends who were all going through this with me, obviously we all had different situations and so things would work out differently for each of us and in different ways.......Well I am happy to say that they are all pregnant and I am so excited for them!! Its been easy and hard all at the same time because I know they all have worked so hard and been through so much but hard because in ways I feel like I have been left behind and somewhat alone again. Yet I have realized I am not alone! There are so many others, and my turn to be a mother will come. Its hard to decide weather its "timing" according to Heavenly Father, or if its "figuring out my body and using modern technology" < which is what I feel it comes down to being a lot of! I feel like He leads us in the directions to make it happen, if its going to happen that way and if my babies are to come another way (adoption) then he will lead me down that path. For now I feel like its the medical path. I did have another miscarriage....again, it was sad, but at the same time more hope and maybe more answers that ....A) I can get pregnant and B) The big question....why aren't my babies sticking....we are addressing that one now. I'll keep ya posted. Who knows maybe I have gotten pregnant every month but just can't get my superglue in the right place!! Just a few scattered thoughts! But for those of you still reading.....I'm still here, and I'm still learning and growing!

I'm thankful for:
-the gospel
-the Savior
-the scriptures
-an amazing husband who made me feel luck the best mother ever on mother's day. (even though I haven't met my children yet) He bought me a new dress to wear to church, made me breakfast in bed, bought me flowers and two bags of my favorite candy (gummy bears and hershey kisses with almonds) and made me a delicious dinner all by himself and didn't let me clean one thing! What a hunk!
-amazing family members
-great friends, incredible friends- who can't necessarily relate but are so sympathetic and such great listeners
-other people going through what I am going through, who lift me up!
-days without tears
-my students
-flowers, I like flowers
-the sun
-blue skies
-sunny days
-work to keep me busy
-gardens (I have my first very own garden right now)
-cell phones (so I can call great people to vent to)
-FERTILITY DRUGS
-CURES
-OPK's
-months only being 30 days (I mean they could be 100, wouldn't that be awful)
-cars
-movies
-blankets
-food
-candy
-T.V.
-Strength
-Hope
-millions of other things, but my hubby just got back from running, so I am going to go appreciate him to his face!! Bye!

Tender Mercies

I just want to say that although I really want this blessing of giving birth to a baby and I want it sooner rather than later, I know that I am still so blessed. The Lord with holds some blessings, in order to bless us more later, or to make the timing right or to teach us something. But that doesn't mean he with holds all blessings. Oh no. He has blessed me so much throughout my entire life. Sometimes I even feel selfish for asking for anything more because I feel so abundantly blessed by all the many things he has blessed me with. Last weekend my husband and I were able to get away and there were so many things that happened that were truly tender mercies, things that made our weekend less stressful and things that just showed us how much he loves us and even if we can't have this blessing right now doesn't mean he isn't blessing us so much more than we realize.

Transportation

There are children coming to our family, we know that. The biggest question of all time (in my mind at least) is what mode of transportation will they take to get here. After another month with no success I have wondered a lot about this. I have always imagined that my husband and I would adopt. My Mom has 26 adopted siblings, and I have two. Adoption is in my blood. Even before I knew how much trouble we would have in this department I have imagined that this would be part of our future. One of the most amazing experiences in my life was going to the temple and watching those two beautiful sisters be sealed to our family, as we were all dressed in white. There was no doubt they were my sisters before I was born, and were supposed to come to our family. Sometimes they fit better than the rest of us. They just took different transportation. It had to be that way. So just as some people get from point a to point b in convertibles, vans, buses and bicycles children go to the families they were meant for in so many different ways, maybe through bearing them and carrying them for 9 months, maybe first through foster care, maybe through adoption. Our children will get to us, just as yours will come to you because they are meant for us. Now we just need to figure out how they are going to get here! I have no preference as to how they come, my preference is just that they do.

A month....is a very....long time....

A month is seriously SO LONG.....especially when for some strange reason your cycle decides to go from 25 days to 32 .....who does that? Especially to an infertile girl. RUDE!

But my husband came home with a flower for me yesterday....just cuz he loves me. So that made it all better! What a hunk!

Letter......

Dear Clomid (some people spell it with an i and some with an e forgive me if I'm wrong)

We have known each other for quite some time. I am afraid that soon our relationship will be cut short. I have a favor to ask you before this occurs. I don't mean to call you a slacker but I was wondering if this month you could work.....overtime. Last month rumors are you worked and made those bad boys ovulate (says the doc)....but maybe there was more you could have done. Last year around this time you worked real good. I mean real good, and I know my body messed thing up a bit...I promise to try hard not to do that again. Whatever you did last time- do it again. It was amazing. I loved it! I appreciate your existence and your variability in doses. Its a dirty job but somebody's got to do it. Keep up the great work! I will not go generic if you will hold up your end of the bargain. Sincerely, Me

P.S. Thanks for not sending me the version of you with side effects....I love it!

Rough Month.....

Ok so I typed in "month" under images (image searches are never good for anyone) and this is what I got...ironic...the first one.. Yeah not exactly what I was looking for but here it is. I thought you might appreciate the humor. Sometimes don't you feel like no matter how much you try to avoid thinking about it, it is thrown in your face ahhhhh I love it!
So its been a while, but its been a rough month and a half. I was on Clomid and needless to say it didn't work...I know its only been a little while but its just another thing not working right?? Plus I have been a little down thinking about the baby or babies I would have had this last month...how nice would that be? Well it wasn't meant to be in Feb/March but maybe next Feb/ March....or sooner..."Oh wishin and hopin and thinkin and prayin." I hate waiting. Waiting is hard. Some waiting is easier but this waiting is hard....we wait and wait for the one answer which all the odds are against...and month after month the odds win out....but I keep reminding myself...it only takes 1 month, its just waiting for that 1 month, the one that seems like 1 in a million.

So on the "thrown in your face" note. The other day I was somewhere and this girl came up to me to volunteer....we stood there talking for like 10 minutes.....and the whole time she was rubbing her newly pregnant belly......I swear she was trying to rub it in my face, the fact that her womb was full and mine was empty. I knew she was expecting and I knew she wanted me to ask about it ( why else would you find the need to rub , literally, it in my face), but don't worry I was strong, I did not ask one thing. Although I know this girl had no idea of my situation I was really frustrated and annoyed but then I realized....if I were pregnant I probably wouldn't be able to keep my hands of my swelling belly for 1 minute. But I also know I would try to be a little more cautious about how other people might be feeling. Oh well. What can you do. I am just so grateful that the knowledge of infertility is being spread around so that more people can be informed about the pains that come along with it and how to speak with and be sensitive to people with infertility. I am actually writing a poem about this...hehe wait for it!

On another note....I am reading a book called "21 Days Closer to Christ" I like it a lot. I am on day three and I am loving it. I write in my journal about my experiences throughout the day. I am excited to see the difference in my life after 21 days, I have felt it already. The great thing about this book is that it doesn't matter how close you are to Christ right now because it just helps you become closer no matter where you are on the path. I like it a lot. And I made myself promise to not take a pregnancy test until that 21 days is up.....don't you love how everything comes back to this....hehe!