Rough Month.....

Ok so I typed in "month" under images (image searches are never good for anyone) and this is what I got...ironic...the first one.. Yeah not exactly what I was looking for but here it is. I thought you might appreciate the humor. Sometimes don't you feel like no matter how much you try to avoid thinking about it, it is thrown in your face ahhhhh I love it!
So its been a while, but its been a rough month and a half. I was on Clomid and needless to say it didn't work...I know its only been a little while but its just another thing not working right?? Plus I have been a little down thinking about the baby or babies I would have had this last month...how nice would that be? Well it wasn't meant to be in Feb/March but maybe next Feb/ March....or sooner..."Oh wishin and hopin and thinkin and prayin." I hate waiting. Waiting is hard. Some waiting is easier but this waiting is hard....we wait and wait for the one answer which all the odds are against...and month after month the odds win out....but I keep reminding myself...it only takes 1 month, its just waiting for that 1 month, the one that seems like 1 in a million.

So on the "thrown in your face" note. The other day I was somewhere and this girl came up to me to volunteer....we stood there talking for like 10 minutes.....and the whole time she was rubbing her newly pregnant belly......I swear she was trying to rub it in my face, the fact that her womb was full and mine was empty. I knew she was expecting and I knew she wanted me to ask about it ( why else would you find the need to rub , literally, it in my face), but don't worry I was strong, I did not ask one thing. Although I know this girl had no idea of my situation I was really frustrated and annoyed but then I realized....if I were pregnant I probably wouldn't be able to keep my hands of my swelling belly for 1 minute. But I also know I would try to be a little more cautious about how other people might be feeling. Oh well. What can you do. I am just so grateful that the knowledge of infertility is being spread around so that more people can be informed about the pains that come along with it and how to speak with and be sensitive to people with infertility. I am actually writing a poem about this...hehe wait for it!

On another note....I am reading a book called "21 Days Closer to Christ" I like it a lot. I am on day three and I am loving it. I write in my journal about my experiences throughout the day. I am excited to see the difference in my life after 21 days, I have felt it already. The great thing about this book is that it doesn't matter how close you are to Christ right now because it just helps you become closer no matter where you are on the path. I like it a lot. And I made myself promise to not take a pregnancy test until that 21 days is up.....don't you love how everything comes back to this....hehe!

MY GRAND INVENTION!

Ok so I have been putting a lot of thought into this lately, as it kindof relates to my last post and here my friends is my million dollar idea. (or ideas)

Pregnancy tests for people who don't want to be pregnant..

Make those pretty much like the ones that already exist, very depressing and apathetic, just telling it how it is. Maybe have one that has a little screen that comes up when its positive and says things like

"WHOOPS"
"YIKES"
"DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING"
YOU CAN FILL IN YOUR OWN HERE!

And when its negative:

"THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE"
"BREATHE"
"PHEW"

Pregnancy Tests for People who want to be pregnant, and who have been trying.

When it is positive:
Things like this show up on the screen

"YES!!"
"WORK IT"
"You Did it"
"Way to go you two"
"I knew you could do it"
"It has finally happened"

Maybe it even prints out a $50 gift card to motherhood or baby gap, why because we deserve it!

When its negative:
The screen boosts ya back up instead of making you feel bad about yourself.

"Its ok, it will happen soon"
"I could be wrong"
"No worries"
"I'm so sorry"
"You were so close"
"Do you want me to tell your husband for you?" - Honestly, does this hit home for anyone else
"Who invented these tests anyway."
"Theres always next month" - but would we want to hear this
"Go get yourself a huge ice cream sundae"
"Go out to eat"
"Go to the mall"

Maybe it even prints out two cruise tickets for a 7 night mexican riviera cruise...bring it on!!

Oh if only! right ladies, if only . After these last 4 pregnancy tests I took, I would have just appreciated a little smiley face in the window with the negative. NOT WHAT SEEMS LIKE A HUGE NEGATIVE SYMBOL THAT SCREAMS YOU WISH! Ok maybe that was dramatic but honestly....I would pay a little extra for a more "positive" negative! Bring it on!

Fail, Fail, Fail and Crash.

Ok, to answer your questions Yes I have received similar papers before. Nice huh? Although the failing grades I have received are what you can imagine...here is the update. (And the print in this case should say See Specialist)

Thursday- Fail aka Not Pregnant
Monday- Fail aka Not Pregnant
Wednesday- Fail aka Not Pregnant
yet still no RED ALERT! (Thats what my friends and I would say in High School if one of us leaked.....I always did....is that too much information?)

HILARIOUS SIDE NOTE: After using the Thursday pregnancy test, I woke up on Sunday and thought....hmmm I wonder if you can re-use a negative pregnancy test and it will tell you its positive since its a different result. I gave it a try. NOPE, STILL NEGATIVE. My husband came in and said, "Did you just pee on that again?" with a very confused look on his face. Hehe, you try a lot of things when you are infertile! Gotta Love it!

ANOTHER ONE: This friend offered me one of her pregnancy tests so Monday after FHE I asked her if I could take her up on the offer, I went over to her house and she gave me 3!!! I was like whoa I don't need this many, she replied, "yeah you do, besides I get them in bulk off ebay....real cheap!" She is hilarious! Loved it! I considered telling her they were faulty....I guess it was just wishful thinking.

Oh and the Crash part....my Mac crashed....figures right! So I have a loaner! Lets just hope they can save everything off of it.....I had a lot of good stuff on there!

But things were better when I got an email from this amazing, amazing individual. She just made my day!! If you haven't read her blog, get addicted! She is hilarious and just amazing!

Please tell me someone has peed on a pregnancy test twice?? Anyone??haha

Some random thoughts!

*So yesterday I cried.....A LOT! But for the first time, in a long time, it wasn't because of all this. (Well I guess I probably shed a few tears about this.) I realized that there are other things to cry about. Which made me realize that other people, people who may be more fertile than me, have things to cry about too. Well that actually made me feel just a little bit better. I cried today too, for a different reason than both, see if I am crying as much as I am about as many things as I am other people are crying too, about the same things and about different things. It also made me realize....maybe I have been crying too much...very true, but it comes in shifts, I promise...I am not always so emotional.

*Lately I have been so worried, so nervous about something so ridiculous. I said to my husband, "what if I get pregnant?? What about all my friends (which I feel aren't that many) who check my fertility blog? I can't just leave them behind like that? " He looked at me as if I was crazy?!?!? And clearly I am, what a crazy concern. I was talking to my friend on the phone the other day, who was going in for AI, and said, "promise me you will tell me if you are pregnant, please don't feel bad, just know that it will give me hope!" I really meant it. Of course I will hope my turn with be shortly thereafter but it will most definitely give me hope!! And I realized that if it happens to me it will give others hope, and faith. It will make others proud as it would make me proud that one more person jumped the hurdle. I know there are many who already know they will never get pregnant and I could be in that boat too, who knows. But as long as there is hope lets keep on hopin'.

*So my friend and I were talking the other day about how we should make a stand-up comedy show for infertility. Bring our husbands along and just let it all out. We were chatting the other day and just laughing so hard. A few of the things mentioned were the fact that after my heart surgery I was on heavy blood thinners and wasn't aloud to get pregnant, so we prevented!! WHAT WERE WE THINKING? Can you think of a better way to waste money. It was so funny! I wish I could remember some more, we were just dying with laughter. Does anyone have any funny infertility things we can hear to lighten the mood and add laughter to our sticky situations?