Busy Busy, Good and Bad

As we have come to the realization that our infertility requires a little more aggression than we thought, we have been really busy and in many ways overwhelmed. I had 4 friends who were all going through this with me, obviously we all had different situations and so things would work out differently for each of us and in different ways.......Well I am happy to say that they are all pregnant and I am so excited for them!! Its been easy and hard all at the same time because I know they all have worked so hard and been through so much but hard because in ways I feel like I have been left behind and somewhat alone again. Yet I have realized I am not alone! There are so many others, and my turn to be a mother will come. Its hard to decide weather its "timing" according to Heavenly Father, or if its "figuring out my body and using modern technology" < which is what I feel it comes down to being a lot of! I feel like He leads us in the directions to make it happen, if its going to happen that way and if my babies are to come another way (adoption) then he will lead me down that path. For now I feel like its the medical path. I did have another miscarriage....again, it was sad, but at the same time more hope and maybe more answers that ....A) I can get pregnant and B) The big question....why aren't my babies sticking....we are addressing that one now. I'll keep ya posted. Who knows maybe I have gotten pregnant every month but just can't get my superglue in the right place!! Just a few scattered thoughts! But for those of you still reading.....I'm still here, and I'm still learning and growing!

I'm thankful for:
-the gospel
-the Savior
-the scriptures
-an amazing husband who made me feel luck the best mother ever on mother's day. (even though I haven't met my children yet) He bought me a new dress to wear to church, made me breakfast in bed, bought me flowers and two bags of my favorite candy (gummy bears and hershey kisses with almonds) and made me a delicious dinner all by himself and didn't let me clean one thing! What a hunk!
-amazing family members
-great friends, incredible friends- who can't necessarily relate but are so sympathetic and such great listeners
-other people going through what I am going through, who lift me up!
-days without tears
-my students
-flowers, I like flowers
-the sun
-blue skies
-sunny days
-work to keep me busy
-gardens (I have my first very own garden right now)
-cell phones (so I can call great people to vent to)
-FERTILITY DRUGS
-CURES
-OPK's
-months only being 30 days (I mean they could be 100, wouldn't that be awful)
-cars
-movies
-blankets
-food
-candy
-T.V.
-Strength
-Hope
-millions of other things, but my hubby just got back from running, so I am going to go appreciate him to his face!! Bye!

Tender Mercies

I just want to say that although I really want this blessing of giving birth to a baby and I want it sooner rather than later, I know that I am still so blessed. The Lord with holds some blessings, in order to bless us more later, or to make the timing right or to teach us something. But that doesn't mean he with holds all blessings. Oh no. He has blessed me so much throughout my entire life. Sometimes I even feel selfish for asking for anything more because I feel so abundantly blessed by all the many things he has blessed me with. Last weekend my husband and I were able to get away and there were so many things that happened that were truly tender mercies, things that made our weekend less stressful and things that just showed us how much he loves us and even if we can't have this blessing right now doesn't mean he isn't blessing us so much more than we realize.

Transportation

There are children coming to our family, we know that. The biggest question of all time (in my mind at least) is what mode of transportation will they take to get here. After another month with no success I have wondered a lot about this. I have always imagined that my husband and I would adopt. My Mom has 26 adopted siblings, and I have two. Adoption is in my blood. Even before I knew how much trouble we would have in this department I have imagined that this would be part of our future. One of the most amazing experiences in my life was going to the temple and watching those two beautiful sisters be sealed to our family, as we were all dressed in white. There was no doubt they were my sisters before I was born, and were supposed to come to our family. Sometimes they fit better than the rest of us. They just took different transportation. It had to be that way. So just as some people get from point a to point b in convertibles, vans, buses and bicycles children go to the families they were meant for in so many different ways, maybe through bearing them and carrying them for 9 months, maybe first through foster care, maybe through adoption. Our children will get to us, just as yours will come to you because they are meant for us. Now we just need to figure out how they are going to get here! I have no preference as to how they come, my preference is just that they do.

A month....is a very....long time....

A month is seriously SO LONG.....especially when for some strange reason your cycle decides to go from 25 days to 32 .....who does that? Especially to an infertile girl. RUDE!

But my husband came home with a flower for me yesterday....just cuz he loves me. So that made it all better! What a hunk!

Letter......

Dear Clomid (some people spell it with an i and some with an e forgive me if I'm wrong)

We have known each other for quite some time. I am afraid that soon our relationship will be cut short. I have a favor to ask you before this occurs. I don't mean to call you a slacker but I was wondering if this month you could work.....overtime. Last month rumors are you worked and made those bad boys ovulate (says the doc)....but maybe there was more you could have done. Last year around this time you worked real good. I mean real good, and I know my body messed thing up a bit...I promise to try hard not to do that again. Whatever you did last time- do it again. It was amazing. I loved it! I appreciate your existence and your variability in doses. Its a dirty job but somebody's got to do it. Keep up the great work! I will not go generic if you will hold up your end of the bargain. Sincerely, Me

P.S. Thanks for not sending me the version of you with side effects....I love it!

Rough Month.....

Ok so I typed in "month" under images (image searches are never good for anyone) and this is what I got...ironic...the first one.. Yeah not exactly what I was looking for but here it is. I thought you might appreciate the humor. Sometimes don't you feel like no matter how much you try to avoid thinking about it, it is thrown in your face ahhhhh I love it!
So its been a while, but its been a rough month and a half. I was on Clomid and needless to say it didn't work...I know its only been a little while but its just another thing not working right?? Plus I have been a little down thinking about the baby or babies I would have had this last month...how nice would that be? Well it wasn't meant to be in Feb/March but maybe next Feb/ March....or sooner..."Oh wishin and hopin and thinkin and prayin." I hate waiting. Waiting is hard. Some waiting is easier but this waiting is hard....we wait and wait for the one answer which all the odds are against...and month after month the odds win out....but I keep reminding myself...it only takes 1 month, its just waiting for that 1 month, the one that seems like 1 in a million.

So on the "thrown in your face" note. The other day I was somewhere and this girl came up to me to volunteer....we stood there talking for like 10 minutes.....and the whole time she was rubbing her newly pregnant belly......I swear she was trying to rub it in my face, the fact that her womb was full and mine was empty. I knew she was expecting and I knew she wanted me to ask about it ( why else would you find the need to rub , literally, it in my face), but don't worry I was strong, I did not ask one thing. Although I know this girl had no idea of my situation I was really frustrated and annoyed but then I realized....if I were pregnant I probably wouldn't be able to keep my hands of my swelling belly for 1 minute. But I also know I would try to be a little more cautious about how other people might be feeling. Oh well. What can you do. I am just so grateful that the knowledge of infertility is being spread around so that more people can be informed about the pains that come along with it and how to speak with and be sensitive to people with infertility. I am actually writing a poem about this...hehe wait for it!

On another note....I am reading a book called "21 Days Closer to Christ" I like it a lot. I am on day three and I am loving it. I write in my journal about my experiences throughout the day. I am excited to see the difference in my life after 21 days, I have felt it already. The great thing about this book is that it doesn't matter how close you are to Christ right now because it just helps you become closer no matter where you are on the path. I like it a lot. And I made myself promise to not take a pregnancy test until that 21 days is up.....don't you love how everything comes back to this....hehe!

MY GRAND INVENTION!

Ok so I have been putting a lot of thought into this lately, as it kindof relates to my last post and here my friends is my million dollar idea. (or ideas)

Pregnancy tests for people who don't want to be pregnant..

Make those pretty much like the ones that already exist, very depressing and apathetic, just telling it how it is. Maybe have one that has a little screen that comes up when its positive and says things like

"WHOOPS"
"YIKES"
"DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING"
YOU CAN FILL IN YOUR OWN HERE!

And when its negative:

"THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE"
"BREATHE"
"PHEW"

Pregnancy Tests for People who want to be pregnant, and who have been trying.

When it is positive:
Things like this show up on the screen

"YES!!"
"WORK IT"
"You Did it"
"Way to go you two"
"I knew you could do it"
"It has finally happened"

Maybe it even prints out a $50 gift card to motherhood or baby gap, why because we deserve it!

When its negative:
The screen boosts ya back up instead of making you feel bad about yourself.

"Its ok, it will happen soon"
"I could be wrong"
"No worries"
"I'm so sorry"
"You were so close"
"Do you want me to tell your husband for you?" - Honestly, does this hit home for anyone else
"Who invented these tests anyway."
"Theres always next month" - but would we want to hear this
"Go get yourself a huge ice cream sundae"
"Go out to eat"
"Go to the mall"

Maybe it even prints out two cruise tickets for a 7 night mexican riviera cruise...bring it on!!

Oh if only! right ladies, if only . After these last 4 pregnancy tests I took, I would have just appreciated a little smiley face in the window with the negative. NOT WHAT SEEMS LIKE A HUGE NEGATIVE SYMBOL THAT SCREAMS YOU WISH! Ok maybe that was dramatic but honestly....I would pay a little extra for a more "positive" negative! Bring it on!

Fail, Fail, Fail and Crash.

Ok, to answer your questions Yes I have received similar papers before. Nice huh? Although the failing grades I have received are what you can imagine...here is the update. (And the print in this case should say See Specialist)

Thursday- Fail aka Not Pregnant
Monday- Fail aka Not Pregnant
Wednesday- Fail aka Not Pregnant
yet still no RED ALERT! (Thats what my friends and I would say in High School if one of us leaked.....I always did....is that too much information?)

HILARIOUS SIDE NOTE: After using the Thursday pregnancy test, I woke up on Sunday and thought....hmmm I wonder if you can re-use a negative pregnancy test and it will tell you its positive since its a different result. I gave it a try. NOPE, STILL NEGATIVE. My husband came in and said, "Did you just pee on that again?" with a very confused look on his face. Hehe, you try a lot of things when you are infertile! Gotta Love it!

ANOTHER ONE: This friend offered me one of her pregnancy tests so Monday after FHE I asked her if I could take her up on the offer, I went over to her house and she gave me 3!!! I was like whoa I don't need this many, she replied, "yeah you do, besides I get them in bulk off ebay....real cheap!" She is hilarious! Loved it! I considered telling her they were faulty....I guess it was just wishful thinking.

Oh and the Crash part....my Mac crashed....figures right! So I have a loaner! Lets just hope they can save everything off of it.....I had a lot of good stuff on there!

But things were better when I got an email from this amazing, amazing individual. She just made my day!! If you haven't read her blog, get addicted! She is hilarious and just amazing!

Please tell me someone has peed on a pregnancy test twice?? Anyone??haha

Some random thoughts!

*So yesterday I cried.....A LOT! But for the first time, in a long time, it wasn't because of all this. (Well I guess I probably shed a few tears about this.) I realized that there are other things to cry about. Which made me realize that other people, people who may be more fertile than me, have things to cry about too. Well that actually made me feel just a little bit better. I cried today too, for a different reason than both, see if I am crying as much as I am about as many things as I am other people are crying too, about the same things and about different things. It also made me realize....maybe I have been crying too much...very true, but it comes in shifts, I promise...I am not always so emotional.

*Lately I have been so worried, so nervous about something so ridiculous. I said to my husband, "what if I get pregnant?? What about all my friends (which I feel aren't that many) who check my fertility blog? I can't just leave them behind like that? " He looked at me as if I was crazy?!?!? And clearly I am, what a crazy concern. I was talking to my friend on the phone the other day, who was going in for AI, and said, "promise me you will tell me if you are pregnant, please don't feel bad, just know that it will give me hope!" I really meant it. Of course I will hope my turn with be shortly thereafter but it will most definitely give me hope!! And I realized that if it happens to me it will give others hope, and faith. It will make others proud as it would make me proud that one more person jumped the hurdle. I know there are many who already know they will never get pregnant and I could be in that boat too, who knows. But as long as there is hope lets keep on hopin'.

*So my friend and I were talking the other day about how we should make a stand-up comedy show for infertility. Bring our husbands along and just let it all out. We were chatting the other day and just laughing so hard. A few of the things mentioned were the fact that after my heart surgery I was on heavy blood thinners and wasn't aloud to get pregnant, so we prevented!! WHAT WERE WE THINKING? Can you think of a better way to waste money. It was so funny! I wish I could remember some more, we were just dying with laughter. Does anyone have any funny infertility things we can hear to lighten the mood and add laughter to our sticky situations?

Indecisive...

I have always had a bit of trouble making decisions...but THESE THINGS...man alive!! Its unbelievable! NO THEY ARE NOT PREGNANCY TESTS.......they are ovulation predictor sticks and they are so fickle. Here is the last few days of my experience with these jerks!!
Saturday - Negative
Sunday AM - Positive
Sunday (3 hours later)- Negative
Monday- Negative
Tuesday- Positive
Tuesday (8 hours later) - Negative
Wednesday- Postive

WHAT THE HECK!!!!! Honestly it is pretty hilarious! I can't believe it. At least I know this, I don't plan on wasting any more money on these bad boys! I will just have to try it out the old fashion way...hehe....you know what I mean!!

One time.....

Ok so heres the story, the one I have needed to document for quite sometime, sorry its a little long but there are pictures! The end of April I went on Clomid. I was so excited to finally be trying something different, something that has worked for so many other people. The first month I was on 50 mg. I didn't have any negative effects (I took it in the pm just to make sure I didn't go loco while at work or anything crazy like that) but I also didn't ovulate. The doctor boosted me up to 100mg and I started to feel cramping 1/2 way through the month, I saw a glimmer of hope. During this time (May) I found out that I had a hole in my heart which was most likely causing the neurological symptoms I was having accompanied by the migraine headaches which have ailed me for the last 12 -13 years! I was so excited that they found something that was causing them as they have so often studied my brain with endless MRI's and had nothing to show for it. Well I finished out my clomid cycle and had planned my heart surgery for June. The lucky day came, boy was I nervous! I had prayed and felt that having this surgery was the right decision (always fearing that migraines would get in the way of my ability to care for my children and give them my undivided attention). When I got to the hospital I was brought to a room, hooked up to a monitor and told that I would have a 2-3 hour wait. I was still really nervous and to say the least I wanted to get out!!! I was really afraid I was going to die or something like that. The nurse came in and asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test. I told her that I hadn't but that there was no possible way I was pregnant, My period had started right on time and was currently continuing, I also added that we had been trying for over a year so that just added to the fact that it was impossible. She nodded and said ok but by law we have to take one anyway. I went through the drill, gotta love those cups!! About a half our later the nurse came into my room and said, um.....you're pregnant! I looked at her and didn't really think anything of it and said, No you have the wrong person, its not possible. She said, No its you and I tested it three times. I replied in a matter of fact way "I don't believe you, bring on the blood test." She agreed and went ahead with the process. This testing method takes a little longer and for the next 45 minutes I was trying not to get my hopes up. My husband and I laughed a lot. I was like, CAN YOU IMAGINE if we really were. I remember walking into the bathroom, still nervous that if I went through with this surgery that something horrible was going to happen. I remember praying, "Please let me be pregnant, I don't want to do this right now, I can't do this right now. " I felt peaceful, I didn't know if it was peace that all would go well with the surgery or peace that I would be pregnant, but it was Peace. The next image I have will never be erased from my memory all of a sudden I heard some noise outside my room, in came 8-10 nurses all smiling and saying, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE PREGNANT! They brought me a bag with my positive test results attached to it. Inside was a little brown bear, my main nurse said, "This is the first gift for the baby!" Needless to say, I didn't get my surgery that day. I took a picture with my nurse and the bear! My husband and I took this picture outside the hospital

and then went to Zupas to celebrate. It was an amazing day! Within the next two days after more blood tests I found out that I was having a miscarriage. It was really hard, there were a lot, A LOT, A LOT of tears! Although I don't know exactly why this happened there were a few reasons why I think it happened, why I am grateful it happened and a few things that I learned because this happened.

1. I could get Pregnant, after 14 months I felt a glimmer of hope, although this month (February) I would have this baby or babies in my arms I still felt so blessed to know I could get pregnant!
2. My Father In Heaven Cares for me and knows me personally, He answers my prayers and reminds me constantly that His Ways are best.
3. I wouldn't have known I was pregnant if I had not gone to the hospital, I wouldn't have known it was possible. (I was on my period, you don't check when thats goin on)
4. The nurses in the cardio cath lab are amazing! I felt so loved, special and cared for that day. The cute bear, the fact that they all came to my room! It was the sweetest thing ever!
5. If I never get pregnant again, I will always feel so blessed to know what it felt like, even if it was just for one day, some people have never and will never have that opportunity, although it was early and there was so much I didn't experience I experienced the excitement of it and it was overwhelming.
6. I got to go to Babies R- Us Pregnant, I had never done that before! Even though I was pretty sure that I was having a miscarriage, I had to go before I knew for sure, so I could really enjoy it!
7. I didn't have to get my surgery that day, I saw my family a few days later and was so glad I could see them before I had to go through it again!
8. Clomid worked once and it can work again!

After doing research I have suspicions that I was pregnant with twins or another type of multiples as my levels were extremely high for as far along as I was, who knows, but that is exciting too!

Sometimes I like to relive that glorious day when I was pregnant, We lived it up! It will someday happen again, I have faith.

I feel better!

When I have a lump in my throat, this is usually why.
I found this on one of my favorite blogs. I love it! It makes me feel so good, I kept saying YES!! I know!!! Sometimes its hard to tell people what hurts and what doesn't This is so true!!
My next post I will tell about my first pregnancy!!! Yay! What a glorious day it was!

I LOVE THE ENSIGN!

Without fail, each month the Ensign lifts me up. There is always something (usually many things) there that touches me and speaks to me. It is incredible! This month it was the article titled "The blessing of the Blackberry Bush." This quote by the amazing man pictured above gives me so much hope and a little bit greater understanding. "The Saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and-by." ~George Q. Cannon.
I LOVE THAT! Something greater is coming! Or something worse was avoided, if we look at that How Grateful are we for what He gives us! Its amazing!

Clomid...a glimmer of hope!

Ok so on a more positive note I have been introduced to Clomid...a little secret.....before I had heart surgery I was on clomid....got pregnant and had a miscarriage... this my friends was a glimmer of hope. A big one. After 14 months of trying with no success I finally found out that pregnancy was possible. Of course I would prefer to have the baby come next month but at least I had a glimmer of hope. I know what some of you are thinking....waht is this girl complaining about throughout this whole blog....SHE GOT PREGNANT. Its true, I know so many people have it way worse than I do but it still hurts. In some ways I feel like Great...not only do I have trouble getting pregnant but I have trouble holding my babies as well. But in all honesty I was beyond GRATEFUL. I knew that it was possible. I felt like Heavenly Father was saying to me ..its possible...just be patient. It was great! Now its been 7 months since then and I have since had heart surgery. My doctor said to me...Yes you are allowed to get pregnant between Nov and Feb but you can't go on Clomid....I laughed when I heard it. I wanted to say, "Oh so you mean I can get pregnant but I can't...GOT YA!" Anyway hopefully in the next few months Clomid will be coming my way, and I have even higher hopes that it will work, and even higher hopes that a baby will stick!! Boy us infertile girls are high maintenance....thats asking for a lot huh? But even if it does all of the above...is my infertility over...nope. Lately I've been thinking about that..I use to be somewhat bitter towards people who already had a child and were having trouble and being so devastated about having a hard time getting pregnant again. I would think...Cool it...at least you had one already. Some of us are still waiting for that. But I have realized in all my tears, my hurt and the hurt of others that it doesn't matter....infertility hurts..no matter what stage you are at...ever. But we can handle it, and thats why its us and not someone else.

Another One!

Ok so I find myself only writing on here when I am sad or just find out another person is pregnant. Sorry about that but lets get real this is an infertility blog and no matter how much I hear don't think about it I still DO! I do try to add some of my photographs just to liven things up a bit! I took one this past weekend in California! Who doesn't like a hot pair of shoes! You should see these hotties with legs in em yum ( I like it anyway) !! This week I found out two people were pregnant (new announcements). This is when it feels really rough....when you have known someone for less than 2 years and within that time they have given birth to a baby and found out they were again expecting....so that their babies could be 2 years apart.....Must be nice to be able to plan these things with such exactness. The other friend who announced she was pregnant had been trying for two months....can you only imagine. No fertility specialists or drugs...Just your Body doing what it was made to do.

Ok so away from complaining. I do feel very blessed. I have enjoyed having my husband all to myself and giving him my undivided attention. I really have. I have enjoyed that although our life is stressful I know it could be worse..I have enjoyed seeing and doing what other people wish they had done before they had a baby. I am taking lots of notes and boy do I feel prepared!!

Another Announcement...no not mine!

About three months ago, and since then I have felt as if everyone....and I mean EVERYONE was pregnant. Everyone I knew either just had a child, was about to have a child or announced they were pregnant. Well I was proven wrong. Now, everyone is pregnant, that is everyone but me.

Ok so in reality I understand that not everyone besides me is pregnant, for example, if you are reading this it could likely be that you are not pregnant or once found yourself residing in the situation I myself am in. Another example, my husband....I mean he is not pregnant so what am I complaining about right....although it seems that if it was his job things could be looking better right now, no in reality it is neither my "fault" nor his, because we together at this time are infertile. (I stole this phrase from one of my favorite blogs and it is perfect, we are together in this not one of us is at what we may call "fault") Maybe that is an aspect of fertility I should look into. Well I just wanted to vent, yesterday someone found out they were having a boy....I find this effects me more than when I hear that someone is having a girl. I have yet to dream about having a baby girl but I have dreamed about that baby boy on many occasions, so when I hear this I feel that yet another persons "dreams" are coming true. Don't get me wrong I would take a girl ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. I am not picky. I would take, twins, triplets, quadruplets you name it.

I have decided that throughout my postings I will list lessons I have learned, why??? Because we are given trials that we may be lifted up, educated and most importantly so that we can grow. They are in no particular order. Here is
Lesson # 1
From the hymn 'Lord I would follow thee', "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." As I sit in church mettings or various places where I am given time to contemplate I often focus on my own feelings, the people around me don't necessarily know what I am going through. They don't know that my heart is hurting, that each time I see a new baby, hear an announcement or even hear the word pregnant I feel the sting. It has made me think,"how many more people are hurting? What pains are those around me feeling? Maybe someone is going through what I am going through? Maybe someone is feeling more pain than I am? Maybe they are sad, lonely, depressed?" It reminds me of a quote I heard once, "treat everyone you meet as though their heart was breaking" If I do this, I won't offend others, I won't hurt them or make their pain worse. I will give a little light to a darkened heart. Why? Because I have been there, I am there, and although I may not know what their exact pain is, I know what mine is. Thats lesson #1.

First Post!

Ok so this blog has needed to be created for Quite sometime. I have realized lately that I am not alone in my trials. Not even close. There are so many times when I have just wanted to tell someone all of my frustrations and concerns, my wants my needs, and just lay it all on the table. Of course I can tell my husband and most importantly the Lord but sometimes I just want to hear stories from people who know. People who have overcome the trial, people who are going through or have gone through what I am going through. I call it THE FERTILITY FERRIS WHEEL. And I am sure you know why, the ups and downs are unbelievable. The purpose of this blog is to help people who are having "fertility issues" or have overcome fertility issues. I want to post success stories, sad stories, happy stories you name it. So that while we are all riding this ferris wheel we can look here for advice, comfort and hope.